Oderus Urungus' flapping cuttlefish of Cthulu! That’s right Green Jello! Fuck you Kraft fucking Corporation and your stupidly sad, yet successful, lawsuit against the band. No matter what you make them put on their albums, we’ll always know who is hard when they know that, counter to Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, you pronounce an umlaut over a “y” with an “o” sound, because it’s fucking metal!!
Scurvy and the jizz rocket known to the unlucky as Chuck Leonard. Seriously, this guy comes by the gallon. But nevermind the volume capacity of his vas deferens. While I’m politely attempting to avoid the booze devil who is ever chanting on my shoulder to drain any given bar which has the mistaken happenstance of hoving into my view, the Phyllis Diller of punk rock happened to toddle in with her rocking Pabst blue ribbons and brings to my attention that the infamous Green Jello was prepping to go onstage next door at virtually any moment.
Wesley Willis before he died brillaint, fat, black and schizophrenic and totally blew it off and have always regretted it. Yet I was somehow lucky enough to see Brad and the Sublime before he O.D.’d and I mostly hate ska. Back on the plus I got to see Joey with The Ramones before he took the dirt-nap as well. So as I wrestle with the inevitability of my needs to see a band that learned their SFX chops from the greatest fucking band in the goddamn galaxy…we get to make the call home. “Yes honey, love you honey. No…don’t really need that ride. I think I’m going to check out the Green Jello concert so I don’t kill myself after the obvious eventuality that they’ll drive screaming off of a cliff just to spite me, because they’re 20 feet from me and if I miss this show, I’m just a freaking poser.” And bless her for being the best human being with tits on the planet. “Sure babe, be safe, have fun!” Who could not love her?